Summary:
Written by a psychotherapist with a PhD., No More Mr. Nice Guy (2003) by Dr. Glover, examines ‘nice guy syndrome’ and shows readers how to break free from this disease.
Contrary to popular belief, most ‘nice guys’ aren’t nice.
These are men that are passive aggressive, seek approval, and use many forms of manipulation. Nice Guys believe that if they are nice and give a lot to others, in return other people will be nice and give back to them.
They view niceness as an exchange, instead of as a gift. Because of this, many nice guys become unhappy and frustrated, especially with women, because they believe the other person didn’t complete their end of the deal.
Nice guy behavior includes: care taking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes.
Many of them are also: dishonest, secretive, controlling, passive-aggressive, isolated, and full of rage.
Author Dr. Glover
Dr. Glover explains all of these traits and provides examples of how men can change for the better. Each chapter has a “Breaking Free: Activity” to help men go from a Nice Guy to a good guy. A few of the important lessons readers learn from this book, is how to: set boundaries, build meaningful relationships, express their feelings, deal with problems, and accept themselves.
Lessons:
1) Nice Guys Aren’t Actually Nice
“As a result of the conditioning they received in their family and society, Nice Guys believe if they are “good,” then they should be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life. In reality, the primary paradigm of the Nice Guy Syndrome is nothing more than a big covert contract with life.”
Nice Guys use a contract that says “I will do this X, so that you will do Y” but this contract is only known to the Nice Guy and they become resentful when the other person does not give back.
The Nice Guy often sees themselves as the victim, and giving to get creates a cycle of craziness that turns into what Dr. Glover calls the "Victim Triangle". It consists of three predictable sequences:
- The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.
- When he doesn’t get as much in return, he becomes frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score, and isn’t totally objective.
- After the frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, and physical abuse. Once the cycle is completed, it begins all over again.
This is just one of the reasons why Nice Guys aren’t always nice.
Other times, Nice Guys try to buy people’s love. One such man described in Glover’s book bought his girlfriend gifts, sent her cards, bought her clothes, planned special surprises, and helped out with her home.
However, all of this was too much for the girlfriend and she felt it was overwhelming and that she could never repay him. So she tried to stop him by pushing him away. Meanwhile, the man didn’t understand and lashed out at his girlfriend, as predicted in the victim triangle.
Nice Guys often swing between the two extremes of being overwhelming nice to seriously angry. Be aware of Nice Guy traits in yourself and potential partners. Identifying the problem is the first step towards solving it.
2) Reclaim Your Masculinity
“I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species. Without this masculine energy we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him to provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity.”
Most Nice Guys are disconnected from their masculinity and other men. They strive to attract women by being different and believe that by being nice and kind they will be able to get any women they desire.
Meanwhile, men who are “jerks” are able to attract women and the Nice Guys begin to resent women for being so blind and ignorant. Dr. Glover asked several women why they go after these so-called jerks over Nice Guys, and they said that Nice Guys have little life energy in them and that “jerks” have a masculine edge to them.
Women don’t want a passive, pleasing wimp, writes Dr. Glover. Women don’t want to be married to someone they can walk all over. A women won’t feel safe knowing she can push her man around. If she can push him around, it means other people can too.
This is why, time after time, women will test their men. She wants to see if she can trust her man. She will do her best to see if boundaries exist, or if her man will just roll over and quit.
Setting boundaries will create respect. If she knows her man will stand up to her, he is also likely to stand up for her.
Nice Guys must also connect with other men that are healthy male role models. Women are attracted to men who have a strong social circle and it helps the man get some of his emotional and social needs met with men, taking pressure off from their wife.
As a result of getting their emotional needs met with men, Nice Guys become less dependent, needy, manipulative, and resentful in their relationships with women.
3) Take Responsibility and Work to Improve
“It is time to start getting what you want. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome will allow you to discover your true passion and potential. By taking responsibility for creating the kind of life you really want, you can become all that you were meant to be.”
This is a theme I see over and over again in books (“Extreme Ownership” & “12 Rules for Life”). You are the only person on this planet that is responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. Once you accept that fact, it is time to start working on improving your life to the quality you desire.
Dr. Glover provides several key actions to help readers improve their life:
- Don’t settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
- Put yourself first.
- No matter what happens, you will handle it.
- Ask for what you want.
- Be clear and direct.
- Learn to say “no.”
- Don’t make excuses.
- Be honest with yourself.
- Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
- Stop blaming, victims never succeed.
- Live with integrity, decide what feels right to you, then do it.
- Be good to yourself.
- Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
- Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
- If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
Conclusion:
I was skeptical of this book at first because the title sounded as if it were from the PUA community, but I looked into the author and saw that he had concrete credentials so I gave this book a shot.
This book provides a treasure trove of information and is less than 200 pages long. It will change your perspective on life and help you become a better person in relationships and beyond. If you’ve been called a Nice Guy before or are stuck in the friend zone, definitely give this book a chance.
The author also provides readers will additional tools and information at their website here. I highly recommend reading this book if you want to stop being a Nice Guy and start living life a true and genuine man.
Rating: 5/5 stars
If you’re interested in reading the book, click here or on the image below!
- Book: “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover
- Pages: 180
- For: Men who are unhappy with their relationship, stuck in the friend zone, or men who have been called a “nice guy”
- Lesson: Learn how to be confident, embrace your masculinity, accept yourself, and build meaningful relationships
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